{"id":13454,"date":"2018-08-30T01:48:59","date_gmt":"2018-08-30T01:48:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/?p=13454"},"modified":"2018-08-31T01:50:39","modified_gmt":"2018-08-31T01:50:39","slug":"should-we-scoff-at-the-idea-of-love-at-first-sight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/should-we-scoff-at-the-idea-of-love-at-first-sight\/","title":{"rendered":"Should we scoff at the idea of love at first sight?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span><a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/profiles\/james-kuzner-535698\">James Kuzner<\/a>, <em><a href=\"http:\/\/theconversation.com\/institutions\/brown-university-1276\">Brown University<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>For a lecture course I teach at Brown University called \u201cLove Stories,\u201d we begin at the beginning, with love at first sight. <\/p>\n<p>To its detractors, love at first sight must be an illusion \u2013 the wrong term for what is simply infatuation, or a way to sugarcoat lust. <\/p>\n<p>Buy into it, they say, and you\u2019re a fool. <\/p>\n<p>In my class, I point to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.imdb.com\/title\/tt1031449\/\">an episode<\/a> of \u201cThe Office,\u201d in which Michael Scott, regional manager for Dunder Mifflin, is such a fool: He\u2019s blown away by a model in an office furniture catalog. Michael vows to find her in the flesh, only to discover that the love of his life is no longer living. Despairing (but still determined), he visits her grave and sings to her a stirring requiem, set to the tune of \u201cAmerican Pie\u201d:<\/p>\n<pre class=\"highlight plaintext\"><code>    Bye, bye Ms. Chair Model Lady\r\n    I dreamt we were married and you treated me nice\r\n    We had lots of kids, drinking whiskey and rye\r\n    Why\u2019d you have to go off and die? \r\n<\/code><\/pre>\n<p>This might as well be a funeral for love at first sight, since all of this comes at delusional Michael\u2019s expense.<\/p>\n<figure>\n            <iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"440\" height=\"260\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/P9WwFtiy56c?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><figcaption><span class=\"caption\">Michael serenades his deceased crush.<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>If you find yourself smitten with someone you\u2019ve only just met, you\u2019ll question whether you should give the feeling so much weight \u2013 and risk ending up like Michael. <\/p>\n<p>Psychologists and neuroscientists have tried to find some answers. But I would argue that for the best guidance, don\u2019t look there \u2013 look to Shakespeare. <\/p>\n<h2>Sifting through the science<\/h2>\n<p>Even in a class tailored to romantics, when I poll my students about whether they believe in love at first sight, around 90 percent of the 250 students indicate they don\u2019t. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1111\/pere.12218\">At least one study<\/a> suggests that the rest of us agree with my students. Like them, participants in this study believe that love takes time. Two people meet and may or may not be infatuated upon first meeting. They gradually develop an intimate understanding of each other. And then, and only then, do they fall in love. That\u2019s just how love works.<\/p>\n<p>Then again, maybe we\u2019re more like Michael Scott than we think. <a href=\"https:\/\/news.gallup.com\/poll\/2017\/over-half-americans-believe-love-first-sight.aspx\">Other surveys<\/a> suggest that most of us indeed do believe in love at first sight. Many of us <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wsj.com\/articles\/love-at-first-sight-is-real-if-you-believe-1429543032\">say we\u2019ve experienced it<\/a>. <\/p>\n<p>What does brain science say? Some studies claim that <a href=\"http:\/\/www.helenfisher.com\/downloads\/articles\/10lustattraction.pdf\">we can clearly distinguish<\/a> what happens in our brains at the moment of initial attraction \u2013 when chemicals related to pleasure, excitement and anxiety predominate \u2013 from what happens in true romantic attachment, when attachment hormones like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/oxytocin\">oxytocin<\/a> take over. <\/p>\n<p>But other studies don\u2019t accept such a clean break between the chemistry of love at first sight and of \u201ctrue\u201d love, instead suggesting that what happens in the brain at first blush <a href=\"https:\/\/www.jsm.jsexmed.org\/article\/S1743-6095(15)32763-6\/abstract\">may resemble what happens later on<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Regardless of whether chemical reactions in love at first sight and longer-term romantic love are alike, the deeper question persists.<\/p>\n<p>Does love at first sight deserve the name of love?<\/p>\n<h2>Shakespeare weighs in<\/h2>\n<p>While science and surveys can\u2019t seem to settle on a definitive answer, Shakespeare can. Cited as an authority in nearly every recent book-length study of love, Shakespeare shows how love at first sight can be as true a love as there is.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s look at how his lovers meet in \u201cRomeo and Juliet.\u201d  <\/p>\n<p>Romeo, besotted with Juliet at the Capulet ball, musters the courage to speak with her, even though he doesn\u2019t know her name. When he does, she doesn\u2019t just respond. Together, they speak a sonnet: <\/p>\n<pre class=\"highlight plaintext\"><code> Romeo: If I profane with my unworthiest hand\r\n This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:\r\n My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand\r\n To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.\r\n\r\n Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,\r\n Which mannerly devotion shows in this;\r\n For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,\r\n And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.\r\n\r\n Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?\r\n\r\n Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.\r\n\r\n Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do!\r\n They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.\r\n\r\n Juliet: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.\r\n\r\n Romeo: Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.\r\n<\/code><\/pre>\n<p>Even though it\u2019s their first encounter, the two converse dynamically and inventively \u2013 an intense back-and-forth that equates love with religion. Love poems typically are spoken by a lover to a beloved, as in many of Shakespeare\u2019s <a href=\"http:\/\/shakespeare.mit.edu\/Poetry\/sonnet.I.html\">own sonnets<\/a> or Michael\u2019s requiem. Generally, there\u2019s one voice. Not in the case of Romeo and Juliet \u2013 and the energy between the two is as stunning as it is silly. <\/p>\n<p>In the first four lines, Romeo privileges lips over hands, in a bid for a kiss. In the next four lines, Juliet disagrees with Romeo. She asserts that, actually, hands are better. Holding hands is its own kind of kiss. <\/p>\n<p>Romeo keeps going, noting that saints and pilgrims have lips. Since they do, lips mustn\u2019t be so bad. They should be used. <\/p>\n<figure class=\"align-right \">\n            <img alt=\"\" src=\"https:\/\/images.theconversation.com\/files\/233924\/original\/file-20180828-86135-1850wc2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=237&amp;fit=clip\"><figcaption>\n              <span class=\"caption\">The Bard of Avon may have been on to something.<\/span><br \/>\n              <span class=\"attribution\"><a class=\"source\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shutterstock.com\/image-photo\/william-shakespeare-english-poet-playwright-engraving-80645992?src=CIue-LEKQlzDHlsfPyyAcQ-1-3\">Stocksnapper<\/a><\/span><br \/>\n            <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>But again, Juliet answers Romeo readily: Lips are to be used, yes \u2013 but to pray, not to kiss. Romeo tries a third time to resolve the tension by saying that kissing, far from being opposed to prayer, is in fact a way of praying. And maybe kissing is like praying, like asking for a better world. Juliet at last agrees, and the two do kiss, after a couplet which suggests that they are in harmony. <\/p>\n<p>Romeo and Juliet obviously have unrealistic ideas. But they connect in such a powerful way \u2013 right away \u2013 that it\u2019s ungenerous to say that their religion of love is only silly. We can\u2019t dismiss it in the same way we can mock Michael Scott. This is not a man with an office furniture catalog, or two revelers grinding at a club. <\/p>\n<p>That two strangers can share a sonnet in speech means that they already share a deep connection \u2013 that they are incredibly responsive to each other. <\/p>\n<h2>What are we so afraid of?<\/h2>\n<p>Why would we want to dismiss Romeo and Juliet or those who claim to be like them? <\/p>\n<p>We talk excitedly about meeting someone and how we \u201cclick\u201d or \u201creally hit it off\u201d \u2013 how we feel intimately acquainted even though we\u2019ve only just met. This is our way of believing in low-grade love at first sight, while still scorning its full-blown form. <\/p>\n<p>Imagine if we did what Romeo and Juliet do. They show the signs that we tend to regard as hallmarks of \u201cmature\u201d love \u2013 <a href=\"http:\/\/www.robertjsternberg.com\/love\/\">profound passion, intimacy and commitment<\/a> \u2013 right away. For Shakespeare, if you have this, you have love, whether it takes six months or six minutes. <\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s easy to say that people don\u2019t love each other when they first meet because they don\u2019t know each other and haven\u2019t had a chance to form a true attachment. Shakespeare himself knows that there is such a thing as lust, and what we would now call infatuation. He\u2019s no fool.  <\/p>\n<p>Still, he reminds us \u2013 as forcefully as we ever will be reminded \u2013 that some people, right away, do know each other deeply. Love gives them insight into each other. Love makes them pledge themselves to each other. Love makes them inventive. Yes, it also makes them ridiculous. <\/p>\n<p>But that\u2019s just another of love\u2019s glories. It makes being ridiculous permissible.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/counter.theconversation.com\/content\/102094\/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic\" alt=\"The Conversation\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\" style=\"border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important\" \/><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http:\/\/theconversation.com\/republishing-guidelines --><\/p>\n<p><span><a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/profiles\/james-kuzner-535698\">James Kuzner<\/a>, Associate Professor of English, <em><a href=\"http:\/\/theconversation.com\/institutions\/brown-university-1276\">Brown University<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>This article was originally published on <a href=\"http:\/\/theconversation.com\">The Conversation<\/a>. Read the <a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/should-we-scoff-at-the-idea-of-love-at-first-sight-102094\">original article<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>James Kuzner, Brown University For a lecture course I teach at Brown University called \u201cLove Stories,\u201d we begin at the beginning, with love at first sight. To its detractors, love at first sight must be an illusion \u2013 the wrong term for what is simply infatuation, or a way to sugarcoat lust. Buy into it, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":13449,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[293],"tags":[2034,1740,459,2033,228,1609,2595],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13454"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13454"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13454\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13455,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13454\/revisions\/13455"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13449"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13454"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13454"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13454"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}