{"id":1381,"date":"2014-10-16T16:25:40","date_gmt":"2014-10-16T16:25:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/?p=1381"},"modified":"2016-08-20T01:28:51","modified_gmt":"2016-08-20T01:28:51","slug":"i-didnt-know-who-i-was-anymore-myths-vs-realities-of-early-parenthood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/i-didnt-know-who-i-was-anymore-myths-vs-realities-of-early-parenthood\/","title":{"rendered":"‘I didn’t know who I was anymore’ \u2013 myths vs realities of early parenthood"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Kate Johnston-Ataata<\/a>, Monash University<\/em> and Renata Kokanovic<\/a>, Monash University<\/em><\/p>\n

Becoming a parent is commonly imagined to be a joyful and \u201cnatural\u201d life event. The reality is often very different<\/a>. In the early weeks and months of life with a first baby, parents must master new skills including nappy changing, breast or bottle feeding, and \u201csettling\u201d a crying baby, usually while experiencing considerable sleep deprivation.<\/p>\n

New mothers have to recover from labour, childbirth and\/or caesarean delivery. Primary carer parents find they need to re-orient their lives around their baby, at least in the short term. And partnered parents confront a changed dynamic in their relationship and the need to accommodate a third family member.<\/p>\n

For many people, these challenges are unexpected<\/a>, either in nature or magnitude.<\/p>\n

Australians today are having fewer children<\/a> than past generations and are often starting their families later. This reduces the opportunity to learn informally about infant care through raising younger relatives or being around friends with babies.<\/p>\n

New parents are also burdened by the way our society romanticises early parenthood, especially motherhood. Played out in media imagery, this contributes to perceptions of instant bonding, instinctive breastfeeding and \u201cperfect babies\u201d being cared for by \u201cperfect mothers\u201d.<\/p>\n

Overly optimistic expectations and a lack of preparation<\/a> can cause significant distress<\/a> at a time when new parents already feel vulnerable. For some parents, this may impede bonding with their baby, shade over into postnatal depression \u2013 which affects up to 16% of new mothers<\/a> and 5% of new fathers<\/a> \u2013 or strain the relationship with their partner.<\/p>\n

Expectations and experiences<\/h2>\n
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Settling a newborn takes patience.<\/span>
\nStacy Benton\/Flickr<\/a>, CC BY-NC-ND<\/a><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We recently interviewed<\/a> 45 parents in Australia about their expectations and experiences of early parenthood. The parents came from varied socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. They included single parents, adoptive parents, parents through surrogacy, same-sex attracted parents, parents in blended or step families and parents who had experienced IVF.<\/p>\n

Most parents we interviewed described having \u201cunrealistic\u201d expectations<\/a> about baby behaviour, particularly in relation to crying, sleep patterns and feeding<\/a>.<\/p>\n

As Susanne, a mother in a same-sex relationship, said:<\/p>\n

\u2026 I thought my baby would come with me to the caf\u00e9 and I\u2019d sit there and stare lovingly into her eyes and people would say, \u201cOh, she\u2019s gorgeous,\u201d and I\u2019d be like, \u201cMotherhood\u2019s wonderful\u201d \u2026 And yeah, she\u2019d cry a bit at night and I might be a bit tired but my life would essentially be the same with a baby. No. The reality was I didn\u2019t know who I was anymore.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Some parents talked about self-imposing standards that were \u201ctoo high\u201d. And a few mothers believed this contributed to their experiences of postnatal depression. Melanie, a mother of one who experienced postnatal depression, said trying to \u201cdo everything perfectly\u201d had exhausted her and made bonding with her baby difficult.<\/p>\n

Parents were often surprised to discover a new baby placed their relationship with their partner under strain<\/a>. Tina, a migrant mother from Iran, said bridging the unexpected and \u201cvery deep gap\u201d between her and her husband in early parenthood took time and effort. While most couples\u2019 relationships recovered after an initial period of difficult adjustment, a few ended.<\/p>\n

Many parents were distressed by the difference between their expectations and experiences of early parenthood. Some described feelings of anger, anxiety, resentment towards their babies, guilt, or a sense of failure. Those for whom becoming a parent held few \u201csurprises\u201d described less distress, though they still found early parenthood challenging.<\/p>\n

Many felt that, as a parent-to-be, they had been too focused<\/a> on pregnancy and childbirth and this was reinforced by their antenatal classes. Sara, a parent of two children, questioned whether \u201chalf an hour with the crocheted breast and the doll\u201d was adequate preparation for breastfeeding.<\/p>\n

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Shorter hospitals stays mean less time to get used to feeding, bathing and settling while help is on hand.<\/span>
\nAmy Bundy\/Flickr<\/a>, CC BY-NC<\/a><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The trend<\/a> towards shorter hospital stays<\/a> after birth was also considered unhelpful. A few women who were able to stay in hospital up to five days appreciated being able to gain infant care skills and establish breastfeeding before going home, where often they had very little formal or informal support.<\/p>\n

Bridging the gap<\/h2>\n

Based on our research and previous studies, we suggest the following three avenues to prepare expectant mothers and fathers for early parenthood:<\/p>\n