{"id":24286,"date":"2021-02-15T01:14:00","date_gmt":"2021-02-15T01:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/?p=24286"},"modified":"2021-02-16T03:54:58","modified_gmt":"2021-02-16T03:54:58","slug":"polyamorous-relationships-under-severe-strain-during-the-pandemic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/polyamorous-relationships-under-severe-strain-during-the-pandemic\/","title":{"rendered":"Polyamorous relationships under severe strain during the pandemic"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Riki Thompson<\/a>, University of Washington<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few years ago I started conducting interviews with over 100 people about their online dating experiences<\/a>. I wanted to know how people presented themselves on their profiles, perceived other users on the platforms, and made decisions about whom to date.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My participants included single people trying to find \u201cthe one,\u201d some simply looking to casually date and hook up, and others in polyamorous or open relationships who were seeking to expand their network of lovers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things were going well, with a steady stream of data coming in \u2013 right up until the pandemic hit. Lockdown upended the normal ebbs and flows of dating life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I switched gears and decided to focus on how the pandemic had influenced the dating lives of my participants. I sent out quarterly surveys and interviewed subjects over video chat, the phone and social media.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One finding soon emerged: People practicing polyamory were facing a totally different set of pandemic-related dilemmas than those who practice monogamy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the same time, their experience navigating the complexities of having more than one partner had put them at a particular advantage when it came to managing pandemic-specific dating issues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A polyamory primer<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe Smart Girl\u2019s Guide to Polyamory<\/a>\u201d defines polyamory \u2013 often shortened to \u201cpoly\u201d \u2013 as \u201cengaging in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously with full knowledge and consent of all parties.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Counter to perceptions and myths, poly isn\u2019t strictly about sex, nor is it a form of cheating, which constitutes nonconsensual nonmonogamy. Rather, it\u2019s relationship-focused. Everyone involved is privy to the arrangement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationship networks \u2013 also known as \u201cpolycules\u201d \u2013 can be complex and interconnected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are numerous forms: hierarchical networks place certain relationships over others. Then there are nonhierarchical arrangements, which don\u2019t prioritize or place couples at the center. In solo poly, individuals prefer autonomy and give all romantic partners equal standing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With all of this variation, a lexicon unique to poly relationships has emerged<\/a>. A \u201cmetamour\u201d refers to your partner\u2019s partner, and \u201ccompersion\u201d refers to a sense of happiness you feel for a partner who is happy with another partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Within a hierarchical configuration, poly people use terms like \u201cprimary\u201d and \u201csecondary\u201d partner, whereas many solo poly people reject language that characterizes a tiered system. They prefer to call their significant lovers \u201canchor partners.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These arrangements are more prevalent than you might think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A 2016 representative study<\/a> of adults in the U.S. found that 21% reported participating, at some point in their life, in a relationship defined as one in which \u201call partners agree that each may have romantic and\/or sexual relationships with other partners.\u201d A CBSN documentary<\/a> suggests that between 4% and 5% of adults living in the U.S. are currently practicing consensual nonmonogamy, while a 2018 study<\/a> estimates that at least 1.44 million adults in the U.S. fall within the category of polyamorous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sociologist Elizabeth Sheff has noted<\/a> that these statistics likely underestimate the prevalence of these arrangements, because many polyamorists are \u201coften closeted and fear discrimination on account of the stigma often attached to non-traditional relationship models.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Polycules get put on pause<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

For single people, finding at least one partner has been hard enough during the pandemic<\/a>. But for those accustomed to juggling multiple relationships, the pandemic has forced them to rethink their expectations for dating altogether.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On a March 2020 episode of his \u201cSavage Lovecast,\u201d sex columnist Dan Savage declared<\/a> that \u201cpoly is canceled\u201d because of the pandemic, adding that \u201cmonogamy is where it\u2019s at these days.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my study, some participants who identify as polyamorous \u2013 all of whom I refer to with pseudonyms \u2013 seemed to agree with Savage\u2019s assertion. They told me that they were \u201cmonogamous for now,\u201d though not out of preference, but by circumstance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In July, Bald Guy, a 50-year-old married poly man, reported that his newest relationship seemed \u201cto be fizzling.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ve met with her outside at a social distance of about 10 feet three times since the lockdown,\u201d he added. \u201cWe have only done video chat once. Messages are dwindling. She is partnered up monogamously with one of her partners, too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lance, a 61-year-old poly man, simply cited a lack of opportunity. \u201cI would like to \u2018date cautiously,\u2019\u201d he told me, \u201cbut the mechanisms to find others are not functioning as they did prior to the pandemic. I think many people have \u2018gone to ground\u2019 in military parlance.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aristotle, a 56-year-old solo poly man, reported a newfound openness to monogamy. Trying to manage a poly lifestyle during the pandemic had been exhausting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis climate,\u201d he said, \u201chas just put way too much stress on my prior life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I noticed how people in Facebook groups devoted to poly relationships were discussing how stay-at-home orders advantaged some relationship types over others. Those with \u201cnesting partners<\/a>\u201d \u2013 a live-in partner or partners \u2013 were automatically granted the right to maintain their relationships during lockdown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, those living apart were expected to cut off connection for an indefinite period.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pulling from the existing toolkit<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In my study there were also participants who have tried to retain some semblance of their preexisting relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because open communication is an important element of poly relationships, it\u2019s common to talk about sexual health, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and testing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This experience has served poly people well when it comes to talking about COVID-19 testing and social contacts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Dandelion, a 20-year-old nonmonogamous, nonbinary person, explained, \u201cI think having to navigate STI conversations before COVID prepared me a lot to have those conversations.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A 64-year-old poly man who goes by Special Sauce made a similar point regarding the coronavirus: \u201cConversations about risk and exposure to SARS-CoV-2 are just like conversations about safe sex and testing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout the pandemic, we\u2019ve heard about families and friends forming \u201cpods<\/a>\u201d or \u201cbubbles<\/a>,\u201d limiting maskless interaction to a small, predetermined group to prevent the spread of COVID-19.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many poly people, their pods and polycules do not neatly overlap. Some live with roommates or family members while their partners live elsewhere. Finding ways to connect with partners without endangering members of their pod has proved to be challenging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Curio, a 38-year-old solo poly woman, reported that members of her household changed the rules in August when they realized they \u201cneeded to set people up to make informed and harm-reduction-based decisions, instead of saying a flat \u2018no\u2019 to everything.\u201d They agreed that housemates would be permitted to connect with others beyond their bubble if the person they were seeing had received a negative COVID-19 test and quarantined until meeting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suedonym, a 35-year-old poly woman, described similar negotiations to protect an immune-compromised pod member; the group decided that \u201ca person needs to be quarantined and asymptomatic for two weeks before being allowed into the pod.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Webs become unwieldy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

And yet the risks could be daunting, with some polyamorous arrangements reflecting a sprawling web of contacts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Cartoon<\/a>
Polycules can feature a sprawling web of contacts \u2013 not exactly ideal for preserving a pandemic bubble. Kimchicuddles<\/a>, Author provided<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

In May, Poly Slut, a 45-year-old solo poly man, sketched a social network map of his and his roommate\u2019s interconnected polycules. He quickly realized that it would have been impractical to adhere to safety guidelines, so in the end he put some relationships on hold to reduce risk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In January, Ebullient Mommy, a 47-year-old married, poly woman, decided, sadly, to end \u201call in-person sleepovers with my boyfriend because \u2026 he chooses to spend indoor time unmasked with people that he and his other partner are casual acquaintances with and I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A 66-year-old nonmonogamous man who goes by Seadog described a similar shift with one of his regular partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was widening my sphere of contacts a little,\u201d he explained, \u201cand that made her nervous.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therein lies the core dilemma for people in polyamorous relationships. Because of the complexity of pods and polycules, the challenges of keeping romantic relationships alive are even greater. Until life gets back to normal, compromises constantly need to be made.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[You\u2019re smart and curious about the world. So are The Conversation\u2019s authors and editors.<\/em> You can get our highlights each weekend<\/a>.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Riki Thompson<\/a>, Associate Professor, Digital Rhetoric and Writing Studies, University of Washington<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article is republished from The Conversation<\/a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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