{"id":25148,"date":"2021-04-20T00:53:00","date_gmt":"2021-04-20T00:53:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/?p=25148"},"modified":"2021-04-21T01:15:54","modified_gmt":"2021-04-21T01:15:54","slug":"how-parents-can-support-a-child-who-comes-out-as-trans-by-conquering-their-own-fears-following-their-childs-lead-and-tolerating-ambiguity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/how-parents-can-support-a-child-who-comes-out-as-trans-by-conquering-their-own-fears-following-their-childs-lead-and-tolerating-ambiguity\/","title":{"rendered":"How parents can support a child who comes out as trans \u2013 by conquering their own fears, following their child’s lead and tolerating ambiguity"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Em Matsuno<\/a>, Palo Alto University<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Young transgender, or trans, people face high rates of anxiety, depression and suicide<\/a>. These elevated mental health risks largely stem from external factors<\/a> such as discrimination, victimization and \u2013 most especially \u2013 family rejection<\/a> rather than from being trans.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Em Matsuno, a research fellow<\/a> at Palo Alto University, is currently developing and testing an online training program called the Parent Support Program<\/a> to help parents better understand and support trans youth<\/a>. They talked with The Conversation U.S. about their findings and how parents can be better advocates \u2013 and avoid common missteps \u2013 when a child identifies as trans or nonbinary.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are common challenges parents with trans kids face?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A big one is fear. Parents fear for their child\u2019s safety. For example, they fear their kid will be bullied, so they may say, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t want you to wear that to school.\u201d Or if they don\u2019t have knowledge about trans identities, they may feel overwhelmed or not know what to do. And they worry about messing up themselves \u2013 saying or doing the wrong thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another barrier is the beliefs and attitudes that parents may have. Parents may have grown up learning misconceptions about gender. For example: the belief that one\u2019s sex assigned at birth \u2013 which is typically based on anatomy \u2013 is the same thing as their gender<\/a>, or that gender is strictly male or female.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If extended family or their community is conservative, the parents themselves can experience rejection from others as well. People will tell them it\u2019s bad parenting if they let their kid transition. Sometimes parents have to risk being rejected by their loved ones, and it can put them in a difficult position as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What does the research say about parental support?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There was a 2016 study that showed trans children who were supported by their parents had similar mental health outcomes<\/a> as a cisgender control group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Certainly, there have been studies about trans youth having depression or suicidal ideation<\/a>. As a result, some people think that being trans makes someone more likely to suffer from mental health risks. But really what we see is that it\u2019s not about being trans but whether you\u2019re supported or not<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the studies I worked on looked at different types of social support<\/a> for trans youth \u2013 their friend\/peer group, the trans community and their family. Of those three, family support was the strongest predictor of depression, anxiety and resilience. It\u2019s unfortunate because a lot of trans people lose their family support and have to rely on others, but family has the greatest impact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"A<\/a>
Parents can ask their trans kids: \u2018How can I best support you?\u2019 Zackary Drucker\/The Gender Spectrum Collection<\/a>, CC BY-NC-ND<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Online resources advise parents to support a trans child by using their pronouns, advocating for them, educating themselves and showing unconditional love. What would you add or emphasize?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Get your own support. A lot of times parents say they\u2019re 100% supportive and accepting, and yet they still feel feelings \u2013 sad, or anxious \u2013 and that\u2019s OK. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re not supportive. But sharing all your emotional difficulties with your kid can make them feel like a burden or that they are causing you all this distress. If parents can\u2019t find other parents in their local community, there are online support groups. And get professional support if you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What common myths or disinformation do you find most troubling?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The main one is \u201crapid onset gender dysphoria.\u201d It sounds like a medical term, but it\u2019s not used in trans health whatsoever and is based in faulty research<\/a>. This often manifests itself in the idea that, \u201cOh my God, all of a sudden my child is trans. They must be influenced by peers.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A lot of time kids reach puberty and all of a sudden there are feelings of discomfort. Or maybe it was happening before but they weren\u2019t sharing it with a parent, so it feels sudden to the parent but not to the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s also a lot of disinformation around gender-affirming medical care, which is a big stressor to a lot of parents. There\u2019s this fear: \u201cWhat if they change their minds?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cases of regret after transitioning are extremely rare<\/a>. As for puberty blockers, they are reversible and low-risk<\/a>. Often, trans people don\u2019t know what\u2019s right for them until they try some things out<\/a>. Yes, there are risks to medical interventions<\/a>, but there are also significant risks associated with continued gender dysphoria.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why are more kids today identifying as trans?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Trans and nonbinary people have been around for all of time<\/a> across all cultures<\/a> and continents<\/a>. So it\u2019s not a<\/a> new thing<\/a>. But there\u2019s been an erasure of<\/a> that history<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now there\u2019s more visibility, more acceptance, and younger generations are also learning earlier on about trans identities. They have what trans actress and activist Laverne Cox calls \u201cpossibility models<\/a>,\u201d where they can think, \u201cOh, this is an option for me.\u201d For a lot of trans people my age or older, that wasn\u2019t a thing we knew about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What can parents say to show support when a trans child comes out?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Parents can recognize their kid\u2019s bravery and show gratitude by saying, \u201cThank you for letting me know.\u201d Also, explicitly say you love them. Trans kids fear rejection when coming out, so very explicit support is important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Common reactions are to say, \u201cNo, you\u2019re confused. You\u2019re just gay\/lesbian. Are you sure?\u201d Or asking too many questions, which kind of puts the kid on trial: \u201cHow did you know? When did you know?\u201d They fire all these questions and the underlying message is \u201cI don\u2019t believe you\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t approve.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A better approach is to say, \u201cIs it OK for me to ask some questions, or do you need some time?\u201d Parents can also ask their kid, \u201cHow can I support you?\u201d With younger kids, they might give some examples: \u201cDo you want me to use \u2018he\u2019 when I refer to you, or not? What sounds good to you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Any final advice for parents?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Learn to tolerate ambiguity, uncertainty and fluidity. Parents often want to know who their child is going to be, with certainty, stability and consistency. That rigidness comes from anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But things won\u2019t always be clear. Allow your child to come to their own answers. I think with kids there\u2019s a lot of exploration, so things can change and that\u2019s OK. Openness from parents allows them to be who they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Get the best of The Conversation, every weekend.<\/em> Sign up for our weekly newsletter<\/a>.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Em Matsuno<\/a>, Postdoctoral Research Fellow at Palo Alto University, Palo Alto University<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article is republished from The Conversation<\/a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Em Matsuno, Palo Alto University Young transgender, or trans, people face high rates of anxiety, depression and suicide. These elevated mental health risks largely stem from external factors such as discrimination, victimization and \u2013 most especially \u2013 family rejection rather than from being trans. Em Matsuno, a research fellow at Palo Alto University, is currently […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":25149,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[292],"tags":[2593,3703,365,9799,200,9520,1034,6996,9729],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25148"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25148"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25148\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25156,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25148\/revisions\/25156"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/25149"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25148"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25148"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25148"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}