{"id":35684,"date":"2023-11-30T02:59:00","date_gmt":"2023-11-30T02:59:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/?p=35684"},"modified":"2023-12-03T15:58:59","modified_gmt":"2023-12-03T15:58:59","slug":"gentle-parenting-can-be-really-hard-on-parents-new-research-suggests","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeandnews.com\/articles\/gentle-parenting-can-be-really-hard-on-parents-new-research-suggests\/","title":{"rendered":"Gentle parenting can be really hard on parents, new research\u00a0suggests"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Annie Pezalla<\/a>, Macalester College<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you a gentle parent? If so, chances are good that, just like your children, you may need a nap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea of gentle parenting has been around since the 1930s<\/a> but received increased attention over the past few years on social media<\/a> and blogs<\/a>, as well as in popular books<\/a>, magazines<\/a> and newspapers<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite its growing popularity, what remains unclear is what, exactly, this parenting style entails. Parenting author and self-described \u201cgentle parenting\u201d founder Sarah Ockwell-Smith<\/a> has described gentle parenting as \u201ca way of being\u201d and \u201ca mindset,\u201d with \u201can emphasis on your child\u2019s feelings.\u201d But does it mean no yelling? No punishment? How is it different from other established approaches to parenting? Is it good for kids? Equally important: Is it good for parents?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To explore what this gentle parenting movement is all about, my fellow family studies professor Alice Davidson<\/a> and I<\/a> gathered data from over 100 parents across the country with at least one child between the ages of 2 and 7. We asked these parents to tell us how they reared their kids, how they were reared by their own parents and how they respond when their child misbehaves. We also asked if they identified as a \u201cgentle parent.\u201d For those who saw themselves as \u201cgentle parents,\u201d we asked them: What do you mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These preliminary findings, which will be submitted soon for publication, should be interpreted with caution since the diversity of our sample was limited.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An internet phenomenon<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

About half our sample identified as \u201cgentle parents.\u201d Those who identified as gentle parents were almost all white \u2013 84% \u2013 and highly educated. The one diverse aspect of their profile was their age. Participants ranged from 32 to 51 years old, including both Gen Xers and millennials.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When asked how they were reared as children, these participants described their parents in simplistic ways, with terms such as \u201cconfrontational\u201d and \u201creactive.\u201d In contrast, when asked to describe their own parenting, they used 50% more adjectives, including terms such as \u201caffectionate,\u201d \u201cconscious,\u201d \u201caccepting\u201d and, of course, \u201cgentle.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There was, overall, a theme within these parents\u2019 responses that they would do a better job at parenting than their own parents did with them. In open-ended responses, some participants stated this goal plainly. One father replied: \u201c[My approach to parenting is to] do the opposite of my parents. No spanking or physical punishment.\u201d Perhaps gentle parenting is more than just a parenting style \u2013 it\u2019s also a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shifts in generational approaches to parenting are not new, from the behaviorist movement<\/a> of the 1920s \u2013 Don\u2019t hug your kid! \u2013 to the attachment parenting of the 1990s<\/a> \u2013 Always hug your kid! \u2013 to the more contemporary free-range parenting movement<\/a> of the 21st century \u2013 Where is my kid?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Each movement is a reaction to the evolution of parenting scholarship. Yet the embrace of gentle parenting advice seems unique in that, despite its popularity on social media<\/a>, it is not born of scholarship. Child development researchers have not followed these families to determine the extent to which this approach to child rearing is good for either kids or parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Attempting to find a common definition, we analyzed these parents\u2019 open-ended responses that described what \u201cgentle parenting\u201d means to them. For most, gentle parenting was primarily about staying calm in challenging moments with their kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A 42-year-old mother of a 3-year-old only child wrote that gentle parenting meant \u201chaving a moderate reaction \u2013 never getting too alarmed or being too permissive, always monitoring and adjusting expectations to the needs of the child and environment.\u201d A 35-year-old mother of 6-year-old twins wrote that gentle parenting meant \u201ctrying not to yell, trying very hard to manage my own feelings so that I don\u2019t hurt their feelings.\u201d These parents are working hard to keep their cool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Hanging on for dear life\u2019<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A secondary theme of gentle parenting among the parents we surveyed was about validating their kid\u2019s big feelings. Picture a kid having a meltdown at the mall. Sometimes this validation involved parents labeling an emotion: \u201cI see you are very angry right now.\u201d Or they might allow their kid to freely emote: \u201cWe sit with the feeling.\u201d Often it involved giving affection: \u201cI ask them if they want a hug.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These parents were also extraordinarily well versed in parenting literature. Many quoted bestselling author Becky Kennedy\u2019s Good Inside<\/a> parenting manual or referenced philosophies from world-renowned early childhood educator Magda Gerber<\/a> in their responses. They used nuanced terms such as \u201chand-in-hand,\u201d \u201cgentle rein\u201d and \u201cconscious\u201d to describe their parenting. They had all done their homework on how to be an excellent gentle parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet we noted two troubling themes in these parents\u2019 responses. First, none of them mentioned raising their children with help from their friends, family or community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, many of them acknowledged, without prompting, that they were struggling to feel competent. When asked to describe her parenting approach, a 36-year-old mother of two children under 5 reflected that she often feels like she \u201chas nothing to give\u201d and gets \u201ceasily overstimulated and overwhelmed all day every day.\u201d She ended her reflections with the simple confession: \u201cI often feel out of control.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wasn\u2019t alone in those sentiments. Here are some others:<\/p>\n\n\n\n